oblivion

Bismillah 2020 is equal to the year of a roller coaster  ride which always goes up. It’s like a movie where the rising action takes 2/3 of the storyline and I found myself countless time standing at the edge of a cliff and ready to jump. Until the day the man of my du’a shook Abah’s hand during our solemnisation. I wasn’t nervous that morning, I felt like watching the sunset by the beach while the wind calmly dancing on my skin. I wasn’t scared of the day that was about to end as if I was sure I would be accompanied by the moon. I am indeed yakeen, after years of being suffocated by uncertainty. 2020 isn’t that bad, yes my pain and nightmares do not just disappear into thin air when my husband stepped into my life but now Allah has lent me him to hold my hand every time those things haunt me. Telling me, he’s my person. Convincing me, there’s something Allah wants me to learn. Reminding me how much Allah loves me. I vividly remember Mir asked me why him? I said I don’t have THE EXA...

It may look like a death end road, things beyond this junction are too blurry thus it makes those who want to try walking pass that stop feel eerie, but I will pick up piece by piece of my courage to step on the thorny path, because I need to. Things are going to be tough, it will be a living hell but I have had enough of this pain, I’m not going to live with this pain supressed to every inch of my rib. Not anymore. I’m going to outlive this pain. Hasbunallah Wani’mal Wakeel Ni’mal maula wannikman Nasir. “Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.”

My addmath teacher when I was in highschool told me "Be significant, wherever you go." My 16-year-old brain couldn't understand that of course, too young too dumb to realize. I thought what she meant was for me to be the best in whatever I do, be kind you know leave mark wherever I go. Just that, I couldn't see the impact of being significant. Well, that's not technically wrong, it's just I didn't understand the purpose of being significant at that time. Being me, I need reasons to do things. You need to tell me WHY before you ask me to DO.  Until one day I heard my favourite makcik kantin in my primary school passed away. She was one of the highlights during primary school - she put on a smile every time she saw me, she didn't have much but that didn't stop her from giving, best makcik kantin ever! That's when I realised - one of the importance of being significant in your life does not only for this world but for the hereafter, imagine...

I thought of every possible factor that might steal my youth, my 20’s, the years of me goofing around and make silly mistakes. I thought I was totally ready to fight in that battle. However, I forgot to calculate this one factor that not just might but have totally stolen my youth. My job I think I don’t just put my youth on the line but my family my priority and Him as well. I regret the time when I had to choose my work over something that is very dear to my heart. I dislike waking up feeling anxious about things I have to submit, people that I have to meet and probably everything. I don’t get extra pay for the extra jobs, it’s just what it is. You are new, you are fresh, you have no right to say no. I wonder what people thought of whenever they use that kind of justification. Maybe they were treated that way in their first years of working so they assume that it’s okay to re-use that kind of reason. Maybe that experience moulded them to be who they are. Ini...

Whenever Mir and I feel like we're about to get sick, we always tell each other "Get your shizz together, you don't have time to be sick!" Then we would push ourselves to be a little bit stronger than usual to shoo away the virus. It's funny because sometimes it works. However,thinking about it...it is just sad. Thinking about it, it has been quite awhile since I stopped allowing myself to be human; to have flaws, to make mistakes and to just breathe. Last year I thought my life was already haywire oh man past me surely not prepared of what's coming in 2019.  Life sure is crazy this year, too many things to do with too little time, too many things on my plate and I've been leaving things that I love to do and spending less and less time with my loved ones, I know I have to put a full stop of this madness. I AM NOW FORCING MYSELF TO BE HUMAN,AGAIN. I will try my hardest to allow myself to be tired, to just take 5, to listen to my parents ranting a...

It was all started about a month ago, life was crazy at that time, one submission after another, school had a series of events before the academic year ended and I was freaking tired. To cut the story short, I randomly uninstalled my social media applications on my phone and dang I think I said it few months ago to go social media free by the end of this year. I haven't reached to that point yet, still scrolling down Twitter before I sleep but I am off Instagram and Facebook for quite some time already. There are times I feel like yknow reinstall those apps again but man my 24 years old brain cannot even remember the password. But LET ME TELL YOU I feel much calmer, less insecure and no unnecessary sakit kepala! Thanks to my forgetful mind, I stop checking on social media every 2 hours, scrolling down people's feed or timeline(whom I don't even know) and putting the pressure on myself (because I haven't achieved what people have). It's true lah afte...

I spent my long weekend with none other but  Mir. After a hell of tiring week for her I'm really glad that it has finally ended. I don't know how long we get to stay in each others' life to be honest. We just kinda go with the flow. 2018 has been a year that full of surprises and lessons and I personally have learned a bunch of things. From jumping from one to another job, juggling studying and working, convincing myself to move to another phase of adulthood..man, sometimes I don't even know how did I survive but one thing for sure Mir has always been there entertaining me with lame jokes and helping me see things from different perspective. I remember asking God to give me the strength to do what I'm doing right now when I was right in front of the Kaabah last March and I'm pretty sure Mir is the answer to my prayer. Had she's not been with me dealing with all the craps I think, I would be quitting by now.  Long ago,every time I asked something ...